


South Paradise

by NathTE



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst, Coma, Delusions, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Foul Language, Gay Sex, Guilty Trip, Hurt, M/M, Oral Sex, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 03:46:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7668895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NathTE/pseuds/NathTE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Your smile is lost… Is my fault, right?”</p>
<p>Nam Taehyun never thought he would be in this position. When he asked them to have a time it was rational thinking, the best he could do to protect them both. But it hurt like hell.</p>
<p>It was worse because he could see he was hurting him. Hurting Seungyoon. The best person he knew, that guy that managed to get a hold of his heart, and he was sure it was forever. But the society was so stupid, and he couldn’t afford at that moment to risk everything they worked so hard, and he knew Seungyoon understood that.</p>
<p>He always thought they would get over it in one point in the future, they would solve all their problems and they would be able to have a relationship again.</p>
<p>But looking at his situation at that moment, he could only think he just took everything for granted. Maybe, he wouldn’t have a second chance at all.</p>
<p>Life was a bitch. A very evil and sarcastic bitch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Future?

**Author's Note:**

> Ship: KangNam
> 
> Side ships: JinHoon 
> 
> Genre: Angst/Hurt/Romance
> 
> Warnings: Foul language; Depression; Guilty trips; Delusions; Sex; Angry-Sex. 
> 
> N/A: Well… I was in a very complicated writer’s block, and was really suffering to ever find in me the will to write. And then my muse is back… But with a very angst idea for a KangNam fanfic. I guess this will be my first very angst-ish fanfic at this extent. I hope you cna bear with me in this trip :D
> 
> Is beeing posted at AFF as well.

“Let’s go, Seungyoon.” His manager voice brought him from his deep thought. He smiled lightly and bowed at the crew that so kindly took care of him in his solo photo shoot.

 

“Thank you for your hard work” he would say politely gaining smiles in response and equal phrases for his hard work.

 

They left the venue reaching the parking lot where their van was parked, the driver already in standby to open the door, the second van that came with them was with their stylish, clothes and some body guards, all already arranging things to go back to his dorm.

 

“Thank you for everything today” Seungyoon said to his staff smiling a bit more, receiving nods and smiles. He entered in the first van at the motion of his manager, seating at the corner.

 

His manager and two other bodyguards entered, one seating at the back of the van and his manager at the other corner, and the second seated in front of the van, together with the driver. Seungyoon took his phone out of his pocket together with his headphones, putting them in his ears, he chose to play songs randomly and pressed ‘play’. But as soon as the song started to blast in his ears, he regretted his decision. Not that song.

 

The WINNER leader closed his eyes, trying to contain the tears he knew was forming at the back of his eyes. Taehyun’s voice filled his ears with his melodic and soulful tone. His solo, _I’m Young_. Seungyoon left out a deep sigh escape from his lips.

 

His heart was beating painfully in his chest while the words of the song were piercing him slowly. Although it wasn’t written because of their situation, the lyrics of the chorus suited their situation so well. At least on his part. It was almost like Taehyun knew he would take a decision like that. He slowly opened his eyes, muttering in a low tone:

 

> _I know with my head_
> 
> _But my heart won’t let you go_
> 
> _Even though everything collapses_
> 
> _I like you_
> 
> _Even though I want to throw away_
> 
> _Even though I want to forget_
> 
> _I like you_
> 
> _I like you_

 

He felt a sole tear trickle down his cheek, but he was quick to dry it. He left out another deep sigh scape from his lips. He could feel the worried look of his manager over him, but he did his best to ignore it. Seungyoon knew the reasons Taehyun chose to end their relationship, it was risky. He still could remember the words the younger said at him. _‘They ship us, but do you really think they would be happy if their fantasy relationship turns out to be a reality? I don’t think so.’_

 

Maybe he was being naïve indeed. But was so wrong to love him? Or maybe it was like Taehyun said, their timing was wrong. They had too much to lose, much more than they could afford. Maybe what they said was true… Only love wasn’t enough.

 

Seungyoon closed his eyes again and rested his head on the window, trying to bury his feelings when the song changed for a more upbeat one.

 

Maybe the future would be better for them… They would make a name for them all, and they would be free. Yes. He liked that thought of his. The future was brighter, a lot brighter in his mind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Taehyun let himself slump down on the couch, receiving a squeak of the older of the house that was sitting lazily there watching a not so important morning program on the TV.

 

“Hey, no need to almost throw me out of the couch, Taehyun-ah” Jinwoo said grumpily.

 

The maknae just hummed absentminded looking to a point on the floor that seemed to have all the answers of the world. Jinwoo glared at the younger one and shook his head before turning back to watch the television. Noises coming from the kitchen could be heard, meaning Seunghoon was busy at the kitchen sorting something for them to eat, but soon he emerged from the room looking a bit frustrated.

 

“Where is leadeo, hyung?” he asked at Jinwoo. The elder averted his eyes to the taller member and was possible to see a softness there that could only be seen when he was looking at Lee CEO.

 

“I don’t know… He left before I was awake.” He answered winking slightly, receiving a knowing smile from Seunghoon full with hidden meanings.

 

Seunghoon turned to Taehyun that was still paying extra attention to a point on the floor.

 

“Hey, Taehyun, do you know where Seungyoon is?”

 

Taehyun not even looked at his direction. Seunghoon huffed and took one of the cushions stationed at the part of the couch closest to him and threw it on the maknae’s face.

 

“What?” Taehyun glared at the laughing Seunghoon, Jinwoo was giggling at his side trying to muffle it with his hands.

 

“I made you a question, mister, but you preferred to ignore me. I had to resort to other ways to call your attention.” He said, still grinning mischievously.

 

Taehyun growled, but recognized he was out of that world. It wasn’t for less, he was occupied trying to recall the nightmare he had, he just knew it was something awful, because he woke up covered in perspiration and a horrible feeling in his chest. He could just remember the blood. Yes, too much blood, he could even smell it and feel it. But aside from that he couldn’t remember much.

 

“Sorry…” he sighed. “What you were asking me?”

 

Seunghoon scanned him with his eyes and with a more serious tone he repeated his question. Jinwoo was sharing his attention to the TV and their conversation.

 

“Do you know where Seungyoon is?”

 

Taehyun felt a pang in his chest, but he was a master in hiding when something affected him. Even more when was something related to Seungyoon.

 

“No… I don’t know.” He answered coolly. “Why should I know?”

 

Seunghoon scoffed and Jinwoo left a low snort.

 

“Well… Maybe because you tend to know everything Seungyoon is up to.” It wasn’t a question.

 

Taehyun frowned and looked at the television as if he lost his interest in the conversation.

 

“I don’t know.” And it wasn’t a lie. He didn’t know. It was a time he indeed knew every move of Kang Seungyoon, but now he forced himself to not even look about it. It was for the best.

 

“Stupid” the word coming from Jinwoo made Taehyun look at him with anger in his dark eyes. “Don’t look at me like this, maknae-yah. You are a stupid kid, and you know that, don’t you?” he said casually, receiving nods from Seunghoon.

 

Taehyun shot dirty looks at the two older guys.

 

“This is none of your business,” he directed his glaring eyes to the poor television. “I’m not inconsequent like the two of you.”

 

This time was Seunghoon shooting dirty looks at the maknae.

 

“We are not inconsequent; we are making ourselves happy.” He said with conviction. “And, honestly, is all that matter, we should look for our happiness too. And you are just making yourself and Seungyoon miserable, it was a depressing thing to see both of you being so awkward these last months.”

 

“And you know Seungyoon have eyes only for you, Taehyun-ah” Jinwoo added.

 

“And this is exactly his problem!” Taehyun snapped, turning back to look at the couple looking at him intently. He sighed and brought his hands to his face, not daring to look at his hyungs. “I am doing this, because unlike you two, we can’t quite keep our relationship so casually out there, like it was any other fan service.” His voice muffled by his hands.

 

He felt a movement at his side and arms passing by his shoulders, soon the soft voice of Jinwoo could be heard.

 

“But doing this won’t solve anything, maknae”

 

“It will have to be hyung… I’ve decided.” He answered, still talking behind his hands. “We fell in love at the wrong time… In the future… Maybe…”

 

He could listen to Seunghoon sigh, but he was happy he didn’t say anything. Seunghoon could be always the harsh with words regarding things he felt to be wrong.

 

“If you say so… I will respect it then.” He felt Jinwoo tapping his shoulder. “I still think is stupid.”

 

Soon Jinwoo was back to his earlier position, and he could hear Seunghoon coming back to the kitchen. He left out a deep sigh, and left his hands come back to their original position in his lap, and this time he contented himself in stare at the television.

 

“What is going on?” someone said followed by a yaw. The deep voice of Mino was impossible to not recognize.

 

“Good Morning, Minho” Jinwoo answered. At the same time the tanned boy slumped himself in the other unoccupied space on the couch.

 

“Morning hyung” Mino said with another yaw at the end. “What happened?” he turned to ask.

 

“Nothing much…” Seunghoon said entering the living room again. “Just the always.” He gave a look to Taehyun that was feigning innocence. Mino left out a humming, but seemed to not notice the implied meaning because of his sleepiness. “Do you know where Seungyoon is, by the way?”

 

Mino scratched the back of his neck and with another yaw he answered:

 

“He left for a schedule when I was arriving home.”

 

“Oh… I see.” Seunghoon said.

 

“Why?”

 

“I needed to tell him what we need to pick up in our grocery shopping. We have nothing to eat… We will have to eat out today.”

 

Mino just nodded and rested his head on the couch back. Seunghoon walked to the couch and with care he pushed Jinwoo to sit close to him, and let the eldest rest his head on his lap. The four of them were lazily there, together. Soon their cats joined them in the living room, it was a comfortable environment, it was just missing the fifth element, but they were sure soon he would join their leisure time.

 

But that peaceful moment was broken by an urgent announcement that interrupted that silly program Jinwoo was so engrossed in. An announcer entered in the air with images of a Highway they knew to be close by. They could see a long line of cars, and an overturned truck, broken cars and vans, and a lot of police cars, ambulances, and other things that signaled it was a big accident.

 

“Today, at exactly 10 AM a truck lost control in the Northern Highway, on the way for Busan, hitting a van and several other cars passing by the Highway. It is estimated that we have already four dead people and fourteen injured, six of them in critical state.”

 

The announcer said with a somber tone, Taehyun for some reason felt a really painful pang in his chest. At that time a loud ringtone come off inside the managers’ room.

 

“At the local of the accident, we have reporter Kim Songhae with more information about it. How are the things there Songhae-ssi?” The announcer was replaced by a reporter talking directly from the local.

 

“Still chaotic Dongkook-ssi, the rescue of potential victims is still being made, and the Highway is partially closed so they could do it easily.” She said while footages of some rescues being made, and the police man working to close partially the Highway were being shown. “And was confirmed that WINNER’s Leader, Kang Seungyoon, is one of the six critical victims of the accident…” and more information was flowing out the mouth of the reporter, but the WINNER members had lost her the moment their leader name was called by her.

 

The images of Seungyoon rescue were played on the screen at the same time the manager that was with them exited his room, he was pale like a ghost.

 

The firefighters were cutting the lateral of the van they recognized by being theirs, and soon they were taking out a body that seemed so lifeless. The paramedics rushed there with a stretcher and soon they did all the procedures, putting a cervical collar, and then securing him in the stretcher and finally moving him to a standby ambulance.

 

The cameraman could capture the real pale Seungyoon on the stretcher, his clothes and face covered in blood, too much blood, his usually pink lips were so white. He seemed already dead, if wasn’t for the slightest movement of his chest.

 

In the living room, while watching that scenes in the television everyone was so quiet, even the cats seems to notice something was terribly wrong. All the five pairs of eyes were glued to the screen, no one was paying any attention to the words spoken by the reporter, or the announcer remarks coming from the device.

 

Taehyun was the first one to react, a strangled scream left his lips and he basically jumped out of the couch and run in the direction of the door with a panicked expression. He was grabbing everything he could think of; he was so out of himself he didn’t notice the others reacting as well. He just did when he felt a pair of strong arms grabbing him by his waist and securing him there.

 

“Let me go Mino.” he said with a trembling voice, he noticed at that moment that the tears were already running down his cheeks.

 

“No! We can’t go there with you like this…” His voice was even deeper, and he could hear the hidden tears in that voice.

 

“I have to go now! Let me go Mino…” Taehyun tried to free himself, but he couldn’t, he was feeling weaker and weaker as the seconds passed by.

 

His nightmare was there. In that fucking television. The blood, was everywhere… The blood of the man he loved so much, and was stupid enough to send away. He could even taste it… Everything was red. He lost the forces in his legs, being supported by his hyung. He lost it.

 

And he thought of future before. Future? This even existed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the first chapter… Don’t kill me please? *protects herself* Just bear with me, please? We have a big ride ahead of us. Are you ready? 
> 
> Let me know what you think, so leave a comment, please? And if you really liked leave a kudos 
> 
> Lots of love
> 
> Nath :*
> 
> PS: If you want to talk to me or know about my other projects you can find me in this group in Facebook: Nath Tsubasa Evans (Nath TE) Fanfics English :D I can send you the link later ^^


	2. Why?

Taehyun let another deep sigh come out of his lips, his face still hidden by his hands while he was sitting in that chair in the hospital, his elbows supported by his things. He lost the count of hours he was there already. People came and went already. People from the company, some other artists, even YG called their manager to ask for news, and they were still there.

 

After he calmed they rushed to the hospital Seungyoon was brought after the accident. When they reached the hospital, they had to wait until someone could bring them the news, and wasn’t good ones. Seungyoon was in an emergency surgery, he had broken ribs, his left leg was compromised, his left arm was broken in three different places, his shoulder was compromised, he was with a massive internal bleeding and some damage had occurred with some organs. And what had preoccupied the doctors more, his skull fracture.

 

The bad notices didn’t end there, one of the bodyguards that was with him died on the way to the hospital, increasing the number of dead people to five. The manager, the driver and the other bodyguard were injured, with much less gravity than Seungyoon, but were admitted in the hospital for at least 2 weeks.

 

They had heard the commotion one time while the doctor was still explaining the situation of Seungyoon and their staff, the doctor paled considerably when he received a beep not long after the commotion, and he left going to the same place he came, and they knew was something to do with Seungyoon. And Taehyun and the others were left with their manager in the waiting area wondering what was happening with their leader.

 

Taehyun seated in one of those uncomfortable chairs and didn’t leave his position. Since they left the dorm the tears stopped falling from his eyes, he was void of emotions. All the way to the hospital was a blur to him, he was just conscious again when the doctor was in front of them explaining the things. He didn’t know what to think or feel.

 

Everything he could think was the way he treated Seungyoon the last months. All the cold shoulders, all the cold remarks, the way he dodged the warm touches he was missing so much, all the empty words he had thrown in Seungyoon direction. But at the same time he could remember all the smiles Seungyoon gave him, the warm hugs, the nice words, his caring eyes looking at him with the same love he had always shown Taehyun, however cruel Taehyun could get in his tries to send Seungyoon away.

 

_“I will always love you Taehyun, and I know you love me, don’t matter what lies you tell me, I won’t buy them.”_

 

Seungyoon voice echoed in his head, he still remembered the look he had in his eyes when he said those words to him. Now those words could mean nothing… Seungyoon was fighting for his life in that surgery room. He could die.

 

He left a low bitter laugh escape his lips. Life was a bitch, and maybe it could be karma, because of his stupidity and wrong actions. He hurt the person he loved the most because of his fear.

 

It wasn’t a fear for only himself, but for Seungyoon too. For Mino, for Jinwoo, for Seunghoon. If they were caught in a relationship with each other would be the end. They live in a society where homosexuals were saw so badly, in such a wrong way that it would be capable of destruct what they had worked so hard to achieve. Just a few had the guts to openly say they were homosexual, and the LGBT communities in South Korea had to fight for their right to have a space in this same society.

 

And the fact that both of them were Idols made it extremely complicated. Fan service for the fans was a completely different story, and he was aware that they had fans that shipped both of them, but he was completely sure they wouldn’t appreciate if the relationship was true. A reality.

 

In the beginning he wasn’t worried about it. No, he wasn’t worried about the world when Seungyoon trapped him in his arms and whispered those fluttering words in his ears, he wasn’t worried when they shared those amazing kisses that left him without a ground. He wasn’t worried when Seungyoon kissed him all over his body, not when he sucked him, fucked him, and let him suck and fuck him as well. But the things changed when they were on the stage.

 

When they touched themselves in the stage, he would always feel awkward because he would lose the perception of place every time Seungyoon’s calloused hands grabbed him, or when he squeezed his butt, or tried to kiss him on stage. He would feel aroused in the wrong moments, and what would result in them almost getting caught. Or their reckless decisions to fuck each other in the most inconvenient places.

 

What definitely made him make his mind and start to matter with how much Seungyoon could affect him and take from him his perception was when he noticed a paparazzi following him one time, and when he decided to confront the guy, he had a mocking smile on his lips and showed him a blurred picture of a couple kissing passionately. It was difficult to say who they are, but Taehyun knew perfectly who they are, he remembered that place. It was him and Seungyoon.

 

_“I will catch both of you. Is just a matter of time Nam Taehyun I will have a clear photo of both of you; and so you two will be exposed to the whole world. I will bring you down.”_

 

He grabbed that photo and rushed out of that place. And so he knew he had to do something. He needed to protect their dream, because he knew next time they wouldn’t have so much luck. And so he decided to ask a time in their relationship, or in other words end it before it was too late. It wasn’t time for them yet.

 

They weren’t the only ones in a relationship within the group. Seunghoon and Jinwoo was in one too, and for more he had called them inconsequential they never were. They were the most cautious of them all. He couldn’t know how they could be that good at hiding it, but they were. And they didn’t seem afraid of the world. Maybe because they haven’t been threatened.

 

But now… He just proved he lost time doing this stupidity. He should have looked for another option, he was sure now they could find it. He was too afraid, he was too fearful and now he is really close to lose everything.

 

What matter the world without Kang Seungyoon? Nothing. He knew that answer so well. But he chose it.

 

Life was a sarcastic bitch indeed. Now was his time to suffer. Well-deserved right?

 

He was dragged back to their reality, at that waiting room with those white walls, for gentle arms circling him and the fragrance of feminine perfume reached his nose. The gentle, but full of sadness, voice of Seungyoon’s mother filled his ears.

 

“He will be okay, Taehyunnie. He will be okay…” her voice cracked at the end. She seemed to be trying to convince herself more than at him. “He will be back to us.”

 

She hugged him tighter. It wasn’t a secret for their families they were together, as it wasn’t a secret they had broken up as well. But their mothers seem to know better that they never stopped loving each other. His mother would always try to convince him to turn back his decision before. Now he knew she was right.

 

He hugged her back, but didn’t answer her, he just let himself be comforted by her warmth. Even still he didn’t let any other tear of his leave his eyes. He didn’t have the right to cry.

 

“You should go rest, Taehyunnie.” He shook his head, don’t accepting. “You need to go rest and eat, boy, or you will fall sick.”

 

So they had told her he didn’t leave that place to not even eat. His members had tried to make him go eat at some point of the countless hours they were in that hospital. But he denied their attempts to make him leave that chair. He denied her ask once more, receiving a sigh in answer. He knew she was extremely worried with Seungyoon, and now she was going to be worried with him, but he couldn’t find in himself the will to do anything aside from the wait.

 

He would do that for as much as he could. He was going to wait. Just wait.

 

“He wouldn’t like to see you like this, Taehyunnie.” He made a strangled sound in his throat. She touched a sensitive spot. “You need to be strong, son, and if you don’t take care of yourself… I just can’t bare anything more happening to anyone of you.” She pleaded squeezing him for right after pulling away for a bit to look at him in the eyes.

 

He could see her red and puffy eyes, her face marked by the tears and her red nose. She probably cried all the way from Busan to Seoul. Taehyun downed his eyes to his lap and finally nodded in agreement.

 

“Okay…” his voice was hoarse because of the lack of use, he cleared his throat and turned to talk. “I will go look something for me to eat. I will be right back ommonim”

 

The Seungyoon’s mother smiled slightly and nodded. He lifted, getting some relieved stares of his friends and his manager. He left the room, walking through that big hospital looking for the cafeteria.

 

He found it on the other side of the hospital, he bought a sandwich for him and a cup of coffee so he could hold on for a few more hours. He sat in one of the tables and took a sip of his coffee, letting the sandwich still untouched. He closed his eyes, letting the warm bitter liquid fill his empty stomach, he left a sigh out.

 

“You will be alright, right?” he mumbled to himself.

 

He opened his eyes again and rested his cup of coffee on the table and took the sandwich so he could have a bite. He couldn’t feel the taste of what he was eating, it didn’t matter actually. But the coffee seemed tastier to him at that bitter moment of his. But he forced himself to eat all the sandwich, he didn’t want to make anyone else worried more than they already were.

 

He ate everything and gulped down the rest of coffee inside the cup and lifted of his place to finally come back to his place in the waiting room. He didn’t need to rush, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted that. Walking was a good distraction from his own thoughts, looking at the doctors and nurses walking around, and the other people meddling their own lives were a good distraction for him.

 

A couple caught his attention. A girl was sitting in a wheelchair with a bag of serum attached to it, she had bandaged in her legs and that come up to her torso for what he could see. The guy squatted in front of her was looking apologetic and holding both of her hands, he seemed to be talking something important to her. She nodded at what he was saying and Taehyun could finally see a smile appear on the male’s face, the girl was smiling as well with tears in her eyes, he lifted a bit and kissed her on her lips.

 

Taehyun looked at the other side to give them privacy, but he couldn’t stop the jealousy that spread through his body. He wished he could be doing this with Seungyoon, kissing him, at this exact moment. But he couldn’t.

 

He rushed his steps trying to ignore the now excited couple behind him, even that before he was liking the distraction, now it seemed too painful to watch other people seem so happy. His world was falling apart; happiness wasn’t part of his vocabulary.

 

Taehyun reached the waiting room again, and went back to his seat at the side of Seungyoon’s mother, he didn’t dare to look at anyone else there. He sat there and this time looked blankly at the wall and this time he could keep his thoughts in a blank state, thankfully.

 

He didn’t know for how much time he spent looking at that wall, until he felt Seungyoon’s mother stand up quickly and then he did the same finally seeing another doctor coming out of the corridor that would let them enter in the surgery rooms. He could see that surgery clothes still stained in blood. Seungyoon’s blood. The doctor pulled his mask out and showed his tired face, after all was a long surgery. Hours doing it.

 

“Kang Seungyoon’s relatives?” he asked.

 

“I am his mother!”

 

He looked at her and nodded briefly and turned to speak:

 

“We almost lost him… Twice.” Taehyun flinched at his statement. He heard heavy breath at his back, at the same Seungyoon’s mother reached for him, hugging him tight, he hugged her back. “But he is a fighter, he didn’t let go, and we could pull out the surgery well despite the complications of it…” he said with a small smile in his lips. Taehyun and the others breath with more ease “We took a time to give news, because we are doing more test on him regarding his other injuries right after we finished his surgery, he is already at ICU…”

 

He paused, he seemed at loss of words, or looking for the right words. But soon the doctor decided to finally speak what he needed.

 

“He lost too much blood, and his trauma at the head was more extent we thought it was initially with the images we took out of his brain. We are not sure how the consequences will be when he wakes up…” Taehyun brought Seungyoon’s mother closer to him, he was feeling something worse was coming. “But we are not sure when he will wake up… His brain tests indicate he entered in a comatose state, in other words, he is in coma.” The doctor said with a stern tone, looking at everyone in the room.

 

_Shit_. Was all Taehyun could think before he lost control of himself again, but this time he felt his legs give up on him at the same time he let go of Seungyoon’s mother that was at the same state of shock as he.

 

The doctor was still talking more things to the others, he even heard their manager speaking with the doctor and asking about things they should know, but Taehyun was too lost. He not even noticed when he got up from the floor, still with a blank face and walked out. He ignored the others calling for him, he just walked, he needed to get out from there. He needed space.

 

He walked aimlessly in the Hospital ignoring the stares he was receiving or people pointing at him, he just walked. Nothing was in his mind. He found a door that led him to a spacious balcony, he walked until he reached its end being welcomed by the night view of Seoul. The lights of the city in that place were so beautiful. A cold beauty.

 

And for the first time in hours the tears he was keeping inside him came down his eyes in fury, his body was trembling and sobs started to rise in his throat. He griped strongly on the board of the balcony.

 

His phone started to vibrate in his pocket, still crying almost hysterically as he reached for his phone with trembling hands and picked up without bothering to look who it was.

 

“Tae!” the warm voice of his mother reached him through the fog of desperation that was clogging his mind.

 

“O-Omma…” he sobbed and clenched his phone as if it was a safe rope.

 

“Baby, omma is here, I am here.” She said, assuring him.

 

“O-Omma… Seungyoon...” he was hiccuping. “H-He is… Maybe…” he couldn’t speak because of his desperate cry.

 

“You want omma to come pick you up?” he could hear the sadness in her tone, she was probably informed by their manager, at least the small details. But he just could think of going to her arms.

 

“Y-Yes” he managed to say in the middle of his cry.

 

“Don’t worry… Omma is going to pick you up. Omma will be there as soon as I can, okay?”

 

He just made a noise that could be understood as an agreement and soon he heard his mother hung up on him and he let his hand fall still holding the phone in a death grip.

 

Taehyun cried as he never did before. He was letting everything he had been keeping inside him since they left their dorm. His sorrow, his fears, his anger, his guiltiness… He almost lost Seungyoon twice… No, thrice, counting the accident. And now he could lose Seungyoon even that he made it through the operation. He was in coma, and as far as he knew it could last for weeks to years, and even so he could have brain death, just his body would be alive.

 

What life was that?

 

“W-WHY H-HIM?” Taehyun screamed in the middle of his cry.

 

Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have another chapter. Don’t kill me just yet. I have a lot planned for this story, and I need you to bear with me, alright? 
> 
> We will have some fluffy. You will see it. But we will have to pass by a lot of suffering too. So let’s ride together? 
> 
> Leave a comment please, I really want to know what you guys are thinking about it, and if you really liked leave a kudos! ;)
> 
> Nath :*


	3. Darkness

One month had passed since the accident, the life in South Korea after that large accident that left eight dead – three other died because of the injuries they had – and thirteen wounded, seemed to be starting to get at normal track again. But not for all.

 

Taehyun was seated in his bed in his mother’s house, hugging his knees bringing them to hide part of his face, he was staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He didn’t mind the mess that the room was, the sheets tangled at the foot of the bed, or the pieces of things he had thrown away on his tantrums scattered at the floor. He didn’t dare to open his window to let the sun come great him in that darkness he put himself in. Not that it would make as much difference. He didn’t dare to come back to the dorm during that month, YG had gave them time after the news of Seungyoon’s condition was broadcasted.

 

A part of his mind felt bad for his family. Donghyun, his little brother, left that room both shared just for him, going to sleep at the living room, just because he knew his older brother needed space for himself. His mother’s attempts to make him eat or sleep correctly, she was always happy to comply to his failed attempts to visit Seungyoon – failed because he would always reach the hospital, enter it, but he wouldn’t find in himself the courage to enter the room Seungyoon was now staying, he would always stop in front of the plain door staring at it as if it would have the answers for his fears and growing guilty, but in the end he would always leave there without seeing him. His grandmother’s attempts to break into the shell he put himself after his breakdown, trying to lure him out with things he used to like, but all end up in a futile attempt.

 

He closed his eyes trying to erase the mental image of the accident that have been hunting him for that month that had passed, his mind seemed so eager to show him all the possible results that accident could have resulted, one worse than the other. He stayed that for a moment, just listening to his breath and feeling the chilling air of his dark room.

 

But then he felt a faint touch in his arms and a familiarity that touch gave him, he shot his eyes open, but no one was there. His heart was beating crazily in his chest, and that familiar feeling didn’t leave him. He looked around his room as if waiting for anything to jump out of the darkness to surprise him, but the room was empty aside from him seating in his bed. He turned to close his eyes, this time trying to calm his beating heart.

 

He breathed deeply. In and out. Finally succeeding in something, he turned to try empty his mind of any thought of what happened to Seungyoon. But his peace was interrupted again by the same faint touch in his arms and now accompanied by a faint sound of a laugh. A laugh he knew so well. He shot his eyes open again, looking frantically around his room searching for the origin of it, or anyone in front of him, but finding just the darkness greeting him as an old friend.  

 

He forcefully closed his eyes again, his mind was playing tricks on him. Yes, just his mind. He breathed deeply again and tried his best to ignore his heart pounding in his chest. But as soon he started to calm down again he felt the faint touch again in his arms, heard the faint laugh, and now he even felt a faint breath above him. And for the third time he shot his eyes open, and this time he was greeted by a vision he didn’t thought was possible.

 

In front of him with a smile in his full lips, his brown eyes sparkling, his fair skin glowing, in all his glory, it was Seungyoon staring at him. Taehyun stared at that with his eyes wide open, he couldn’t believe it. Without thinking he got up from his bed, and stumbled in direction of Seungyoon that had looked around the room and now was looking him as if reprimanding him.

 

“Seungyoon…?” He couldn’t finish his question because he stumbled on one of the things he had scattered on the floor, losing his balance and falling forward in direction of the arms of the leader.

 

But he just met air there, and with reflexes he reached his arms forward to stop his fall.

 

He looked above to not find him there anymore. He heard fast steps coming and soon the door of the room opened, letting the light enter there, blinding him momentarily.

 

“Hyung! Are you okay?” He heard the worried voice of Donghyun.

 

Still stunned Taehyun blinked his eyes a few times until he finally recovery a bit of what just happened.

 

“Y-Yes… I… I just tripped.” It wasn’t a lie, but he wouldn’t say what he just saw. It felt so real. It felt like it was Seungyoon. He looked around the room again, and now with the light coming in the room seemed even more messy. Seungyoon wouldn’t like that. Not a bit. He looked at the door to meet his brother’s worried eyes. “I’m fine.”

 

He tried to get up, with some difficulty, his knees and palms were hurting a bit. Donghyun reached for him and helped him to finally be stable on his feet.

 

“I guess… I guess I need to clean this. This room is a mess; I am sorry for that Donghyun.” He said awkwardly, it was the first time in one month he talked more than just a few phrases. Donghyun seemed surprised by his words, but happy for him to have at least talk more than usual.

 

“Yes. Do you need any help with it?” the younger Nam asked with a small smile on his lips.

 

Taehyun looked at his back, inside the dark room with a grimace on his face. And turned back to look at Donghyun.

 

“Yes, please.” He said letting his brother finally enter on their room again. He didn’t want to enter that room alone again. His heart was still beating crazily on his chest, and that vision just shaken up him too much, he didn’t know if he was ready for anything like that again, anytime soon. He was getting crazy. It was the only explanation he had for that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_“NAM TAEHYUN!” he heard the angry loud voice of his boyfriend coming from the kitchen, and as fast as he could he made a run for his room. But soon he felt the back of his shirt being griped putting his run on a halt._

_“Don’t even think of that.” He wasn’t screaming anymore, but his voice wasn’t happy either._

_“Ohhhh… The maknae is on trouble!” he heard the mocking tone of Seunghoon at his back, followed by two sets of laughter._

_“Shut up!” he hissed, still not facing his boyfriend that he knew had discovered he didn’t washed the dishes as he should have before he left the dorm and lied about it, and now he was pissed at him because of that. That was a problem of having a cleaning freak at the dorm._

_Seungyoon didn’t gave anyone chance for retorts and just dragged the younger to the kitchen. Taehyun could see the three other stupid guys staring at him with foolish smiles. He swore he could punch all three of them. Seungyoon just stopped when they were on the middle of the kitchen, and this time Taehyun finally turned to look at him with an apologetic smile._

_“Sorry, hyung, I was late and I didn’t have the time…” he was interrupted on the middle of it by his boyfriend._

_“So you should just had said that, and not lied about it.” The leader said seriously. “You will do that now, and I will be here to see if you will do it this time.” Seungyoon pulled a chair and sat on watching him closely. With a sigh Taehyun complied to his wish and started to do the dishes he was supposed to do hours ago. He was happy they had dinner out, because he would probably end up doing the dishes of dinner as punishment as well._

_Taehyun concentrated in his task, doing it in complete silence, listening his breath and Seungyoon’s. Minutes passed in that situation. Taehyun felt the gaze of the leader at his back. He did it more quickly than he thought he would, he was finishing to put the last plate on the drier when he felt arms circle his waist and a chin rest on his right shoulder._

_“That was so difficult, Taehyun-ah?” he asked, his breath tickling the skin on his neck._

_“No…” he answered releasing the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He then felt those luscious lips giving him kisses on his expose skin of his neck to then reach his ear._

_“Don’t lie to me next time about this” Taehyun could listen a bit of disappointment on his voice, so he turned his body so he could finally face him. He looked on those brown eyes that were looking him so intently._

_“I won’t… I am sorry Seungyoon.” He said, lowering his eyes. He didn’t know why he just lied about it, it felt like those time when his mother asked him to do something, and he forgot and when she asked him he panicked and lied about it. It was a reflex._

_Seungyoon passed his fingers under his chin and pulled it up so he could see his eyes again._

_“Good…” and without any other words he approached their faces to finally capture his lips with his. Taehyun melted in his embrace, corresponding his kiss. Which one that was so sweet, filed with love and forgiveness._

_They lost themselves in each other, separating briefly to breath and the comeback to assault the other mouth again, and sometimes distributing kisses in others parts of their faces. They didn’t notice a figure observing them by the door. They just did when that person cleared his throat. Both turned to see Mino looking at them with a knowing smile on his lips._

_“Care to join us to watch a movie? Or you two want a room?”_

_Taehyun glared at Mino, while Seungyoon just chuckled._

_“We weren’t doing nothing like that, you perverted.” Said the younger still shooting dirty looks at the older of the three._

_“We are going to watch the movie, hyung.” Seungyoon said before they could start bickering like they use to do. And with that words he guided Taehyun while holding his hand and pushed Mino back at the living room._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Taehyun was alone in the room again after his brother helped him to clean it, and this time he left the window open. The sun light showing all the corners of the room, but it didn’t seem to lighten the darkness inside him. He didn’t know why that memory came to him while he was cleaning the room, at the same time it was comforting it hurt him remember the time they were together. He just missed it so much. He missed Seungyoon.

 

And that memory just made him miss Seungyoon much more. And he knew was his fault that he missed him that much. He and his stupid fear. And then that accident. He could feel the corners of his eyes stinging in signal some tears were starting to form.

 

His phone started to ring on top of the table that was in one of the corners of the room snapping him from his current state. He had been ignoring it for that month, but in light of that memory that assaulted him he decided to answer it. He reached for it, seeing it was Jinwoo calling him, he pressed his finger in the green button and dragged it to the side so he could answer his phone.

 

“Hello, hyung?” controlling his voice so it wouldn’t be apparent he was at verge of crying.

 

“Thank God you answered it.” He heard the voice of the elder WINNER member filled with worries. “How are you maknae-yah?”

 

Taehyun stayed quiet for a bit trying to find the best way of answering him. He wasn’t good. Not a bit. But he didn’t want to make him worried for him, not more than he probably was.

 

“I’m… I’m managing.” He answered the most truthfully he could.

 

“That’s good to hear…” he could sense his hyung wasn’t that convinced, but he knew that wasn’t the best to push it much when it was related to Taehyun.

 

They stayed quiet again, the silence filling the line, they were just hearing their breaths. Jinwoo seemed to breathe deeply at the other side of the line and turned to speak.

 

“When you are going back home… I mean, to the dorm?” he asked. “We miss you.” He added, his tone softening.

 

It was time of Taehyun breathe deeply, he looked around, looking for an answer he knew would just come from himself.

 

“I don’t know hyung… I am sorry.” He finally answered.

 

“I understand.” Jinwoo said back. “Just know we will be here for you when you need us, maknae-yah.” Taehyun could listen to the sincerity there, and he knew they would. Despite the conditions they were put together as a group and what happened before. They managed to create a strong friendship, they were a family after all.

 

“Thank you hyung” Taehyun managed to say.

 

“So comeback soon, okay?”

 

Taehyun just made a sound, not answering him with words, because he couldn’t do that. Not yet. He heard someone talking at the back of the phone call and the muffled voice of Jinwoo answering it. Soon the elder came back to the phone call.

 

“I have to go now. Talk to you later, Taehyun-ah. Take care.”

 

“Bye, hyung. Take care yourself, and say I gave the other hyungs hello.”

 

“Okay, I will.”

 

And with the last goodbyes Jinwoo hang up and Taehyun looked at the table where his phone was before, making a decision, he reached for his wallet and keys. He walked out of the room, reaching the living room where Donghyun was busy studying again, something he had interrupted the younger Nam before, when he fell in his room.

 

“Donghyun-ah, I’m going out, I will be back later.” Donghyun shot his head up worried.

 

“Want me to accompany you hyung?” he asked carefully.

 

“No, I need to do this alone.” He said already walking to the door.

 

“But… hyung…” the younger Nam followed him at the door, but was stopped by a penetrating stare of Taehyun.

 

“I will be okay.”

 

And with those words he left the house not waiting for Donghyun’s answer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_“Yoon! Yoon!” he screamed while entering the dorm together with Seunghoon that was just shaking his head with amusement and a very irritated Jinwoo._

_“What?” Seungyoon appeared at the door of his room. Taehyun took of his shoes in speed light and run in his direction jumping on his lap, taking Seungyoon by surprise and making both of them fall on the ground with a loud thud._

_But it didn’t faze Taehyun that attacked the breathless Seungyoon lips in a wild kiss. The leader corresponded his kiss still a bit dazed, but he couldn’t resist when Taehyun acted like that with him. But as the same way the maknae started the kiss he ended it, getting up from the floor and start jumping around him._

_“What was that for?” Seungyoon asked finally getting up as well, massaging his back that hit the floor hard._

_“I finally beat Jinwoo hyung in that fight game!” Taehyun said smiling like a crazy._

_“He cheated!” Jinwoo said with a scroll on his face._

_“No, I didn’t! It was a clean victory.” Taehyun retorted, with his smile growing bigger._

_“That’s true.” Pipped Seunghoon in their conversation. Jinwoo looked at him like he had grown some horns and a tail._

_“You traitor!” He huffed and started to walk away from his boyfriend with am angry expression. But Seunghoon was quickly in grabbing him and lock him on his arms._

_“Just accept it, hyung.” He said kissing him on his cheeks, making the older one blush a bit, they just didn’t know if it was from embarrassment or angriness. Taehyun and Seungyoon chuckled at the vision._

_Mino chose that moment to appear with a glint of amusement on his eyes, he seemed to have listened to all._

_“So our maknae won?” he said, giving Taehyun a high-five that confirmed his question with a nod and a big smile, and received a dirty look of their older hyung and a chuckle from Seunghoon “Yoon have to be so proud of his Nammie.” He said winking at the two. This time was Taehyun that blushed, but he was still too happy to actually bother, jumping around like a kid._

_“Yes, I am.” Seungyoon answered chuckling at his boyfriend antics. Mino chuckled in answer and nodded in agreement._

 

 

* * *

 

 

He was brought back of his memory lane by a honk, he looked around a bit startled noticing that now was missing just a few stops until he reached the hospital Seungyoon was. He straightened his posture and pulled the mask to cover his face even more and did the same with the cap he had grabbed his way out of his house. He saw some people giving him some side looks, but he just ignoring them and faking he was looking at something on his phone.

 

It was what he did for the most time, to avoid people attention to come to him, he tried to avoid subtle movements, and just kept his eyes low, it would avoid people trying to talk to him. Sometimes he would look outside the window so he didn’t lose the place he was, the time seemed to be passing by so slowly the moment he put a halt on his mind.

 

For a brief moment he looked at the front of the bus and looked his eyes with a school girl that was entering the bus. She blushed and lowered her eyes and continued her way at the back of the bus, passing by Taehyun’s side. He went back to what he was doing before, ignoring completely the eyes that was now glued at his back.

 

Two more stops came and went and soon the stop he was waiting came, he got up from his seat and went to near the door, and as soon the bust stopped and opened the door he jumped out of it and made his way in direction of the hospital. He could already spot people making a circle outside of it, holding candles and flowers. Their fans that came there religiously to pray for Seungyoon recovery, they were there since the day of the accident for a few hours.

 

He walked faster and passed by some of the Inner Circle holding some banners and the candles. He lowered his gaze and walked straight to the hospital doors, finally entering it, and went directly to the desk to identify himself. As soon he did he received some knowing looks and even some encouraging smiles, but he decided to just politely thank the nurses and continue his way to the room he knew the way by heart.

 

He entered one of the elevators and pressed the fifth floor button and rested his back on one of the elevators doors. He counted the seconds until he heard the ding of the door opening again and reaching its destiny. He walked out of the elevator and walked until the end of the corridor seeing one if the bodyguards assigned to stay outside Seungyoon’s door for his protection. He took off his mask and cap and bowed at the bodyguard that had recognized him and bowed back. Taehyun was again in front of that door he was so afraid of entering, the pale green door with the number 500 in silver and a plaque with Seungyoon name.

 

Taehyun breathed deeply and reached at the knob, he hesitated, but finally turned the knob and opened the door and walked in. The first thing he noticed was how that room looked much like a hotel room, with plants, comfortable chairs, a plain television on the wall, how spacious it was with its private bathroom. And finally he saw the bed. And lying there was pale Seungyoon with a lot of wires and equipment plugged on him. The only sound on the room was the steady sound of the heart monitor.

 

Taehyun couldn’t tore his eyes from Seungyoon, and with uncertain steps he walked in direction of the bed, and when he reached he grabbed one of the hands that was outside of the cover that was keeping him warm, but even so his hand seemed so cold. He studied Suengyoon’s face, from his closed eyes, to his chin. Some bruises and cuts were still there; he could see them healing. His head was involved in a big bandage, a remembrance of his surgery. With a shaking hand he reached his loved one face and touched it carefully, tracing his features.

 

He felt tears start fall down his eyes and dripping on the cover under it.

 

“I’m sorry… I’m s-so s-sorry” he said. “Pl-Please, w-wake up. I d-don’t k-know w-what t-to d-do.” He hiccupped at every word. “I n-need you. I l-love you S-Seungyoon.”

 

He brought Seungyoon’s hand to his face, rubbing it, as if he was caressing him, but it wasn’t the same thing, it wasn’t when his Seungyoon caressed him and said him comforting words. This touch was cold, was without his soul. Without Seungyoon’s natural warmth.

 

The darkness followed him everywhere. His light house wasn’t there to guide him to the light. His Seungyoon was lost in his own darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is finally the third chapter. i know I took a time, but I was busy and the my semester at university started and I had to adapt into my new shedule. 
> 
> I know is not an eventful chapter, but in the next chapters things will start to happen ;) I am curious of what you all think of the story so far. So please leave a comment :D
> 
> See you next chapter!
> 
> Nath :*

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to talk to me or know about my other projects you can find me in this group in Facebook: Nath Tsubasa Evans (Nath TE) Fanfics English :D I can send you the link later ^^


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